If you come to my spinning class, please don't

1.  Gyrate

2.  Sing

3.  Make me look at the crack of your ass

4.  Fart more than once

OK, before I go off on a rant here, let me just say this first.  If you are overweight, out of shape, uncoordinated or just plain goofy and I see you at my gym I will never EVER make fun of you.   But if you have any combo of three of the five following characteristics (or fart more than once), you are fair game:

1. Fake lips

2. Fake tan

3. Fake boobs

4. Fake hair

5. You wear your gym pants at half mast.

Spinning is the closest thing I have right now to a religious experience.  Yes, this is about me.  So - to the two "Dancing Elaine meets Running Phoebe" spinners who are determined to be distracting as all hell QUIT YOUR IDIOTIC JERKING AND CONVULSING ON YOUR BIKE.  You do not look good.  You do not have rhythm.  You are not turning anyone on with that silliness.  Also, as a hopeful future spinning instructor, the last time I was next to you I kept thinking you were falling off the freakin' bike and was ready to assist.  Stop that!  If you need to move and shake your groove thang might I suggest a nice cardio dance class?

To the singer(s).  You don't know the words.  Stop pretending you do and making the people in the first row look back and think it's me making that horrible noise.

And to the woman who has given me the view of her asscrack for the past two classes.  I think I may have a water bottle malfunction in the near future and give you a little somthin' somthin' down there.

Of course last, but by all means not least, the farters.  I am a forgiving person.  We all have slippage every once and awhile.  But here's where you differ from the rest of us.  You smelled it too the first time.  You know the evil that resides inside.  Unless you suffer from some war injury that has cut off all feeling to your lower body you have no excuse in my mind but to remove yourself and visit the restroom or take a walk outside the next time the feeling moves you.  These are small, stuffy rooms with people already gasping for breath.  Not nice.