Beautiful

I know that I wax on about stupid, vain & trivial things in this blog A LOT. I'm really not a negative person or as cynical or shallow as I may come across sometimes. Humor (and alcohol) are just my coping mechanisms. Laughing about hairs growing out of my --insert inappropriate & horrifying location here-- is just my way of dealing with the fact that things beyond my control are happening. To my body. All the time.

I love life. I really do believe that growing older is a privilege (thank you Laura Linney for those words). But don't worry , I WILL still make fun of it a little along the way. But I will never, ever forget to be grateful. Thank you Alice.

BOO!

I don't care if all of these are always the same. I don't care how many times I see a kid scream when the pumpkin headed scarecrow comes to life, I still laugh out loud. Hopefully you do too.




BTW - Based on the state of my complexion these days, I think I'll be going as a Crack Whore this Halloween. All I need is a pipe, some baking soda, a few dirty kids and I'm good to go.

One cool kitty

File this post under "learn from my misfortune and stupidity."

IF you're ever in the shower and run out of soap,
AND you decide to use your shampoo as an all over body wash,
DON'T use the Aveda Rosemary and Mint.

There are certain body parts that simply don't enjoy the burning, I mean cooling and tingling sensation.

I'm this excited

I'm too tired to write about it right now, but it has to do with swimming, me and not dying. I'll tell you all about it this week after I emerge from my coma.

Cleanzed

A friend of mine brought it to my attention that I never completed the loop on my cleanse post. My bad. I know that I left off on day 9. I guess the cleanse didn't fix my memory problem so I can't give you day 10 - 14 day by day, but I'll try and summarize.

Upsides:

Weight loss: Lost 3.5 lbs when it was all said and done. Not too shabby for 14 days. I felt like the "puffiness" was gone. My waist seemed to magically reappear.

Hydration: I felt like my overall hydration was much improved. I think this is a big part of the puffiness reduction (flushing excess water & toxins out). When I would swim I wouldn't end up with raccoon eyes for hours afterwards.

Energy & Clarity: I was ready to write a doctorial thesis or solve some serious world issues every night around 11:30 p.m. Apparently I was also ready to annoy the crap out of my husband.

Hunger: Was pretty non-existent. I did miss the joy that I have eating and drinking certain things but I kept telling myself I could do anything for 14 days.

Addictions: The day after the cleanse was over I could have had coffee and I didn't. That was a BIG change. I have gone back to having coffee, but it doesn't have the hold on me that it did before the cleanse. From a boozing perspective, it was a good thing for me to fill my nights with other enjoyable things that didn't include drinking.

Appearance: This is probably a complete figment of my imagination or some weird wine-withdrawal symptom, but I felt like I looked younger when I looked in the mirror. Whatever it was, I liked it.

Downsides:

Exercise and Stamina: I DO NOT advise doing this cleanse if you are doing any kind of intense athletic training. I was at a critical point in my triathlon training when I decided to do this cleanse. STOOPID. You will be in a caloric deficit. There were times I just didn't have anything in the tank. If I do this again I will only do restorative exercise during the cleanse like walking and yoga.

Bottom line: I think this is a good cleanse. I would do it again and I've brought elements of it into my life on a regular basis (the smoothies, the hot lemon water in the morning).

Final Verdict?

Mikey Likes It!

Let's Get Mikey!

If you're 40ish like me you remember these commercials for Life Cereal. Kids find a new cereal, they don't want to try it, they spy their little brother and say "let's get Mikey, he won't eat it, he hates everything!"

I'll be your Mikey.

I'm famous for falling for ridonkulous advertising claims. All you have to do is tell me it's going to:

1. Make me skinnier

2. Make me look younger

3. Not give me cancer (i.e. sunless tanning products)

4. Make me feel healthier

5. Help my sports performance in some way

The crazier part is that I actually go into this like Mikey. I expect it NOT to work, I fully assume that I'm wasting my time and money, but I'm holding on to what if? What if my sun spots actually went away? What if these flip flops gave me J Lo's ass? What if?

So I'll be sharing some of these experiences, services and products with you in the future and I'll give them my own rating. If before and after pictures are appropriate (and not completely humiliating) I'll share those as well. It may even save you some time, money or effort in the future, who knows? If nothing else it will help me justify my gullibility.

So here's experience #1. THE CLEANSE. People are talking about cleanses all the time. I've been curious in the past but was not interested in a juice-only cleanse, or drinking cayenne pepper lemonade or doing anything that's going to make scary things come out of my butt.

But in this months issue of my "Experience Life" magazine that I get from my gym there was an article entitled The 7-day UltraSimple Slimdown. It's based on the book The Ultra Simple Diet, by Mark Hyman, MD. I've been feeling a little puffy lately and drinking too much of the vino, so I thought that I'd give this a shot. Thing is, it's really a 14 day program because for the week prior (days 1-7) you cut out caffeine (ouch), alcohol (gasp), processed and refined carbs & sugars and trans fats (ok).

I'm on day 9. Here's how it's been so far.

Day 1 & 2: OK. You're allowed up to 2 cups of regular green tea so the caffeine withdrawl wasn't horrifying. I (embarrassingly) am an almost daily drinker (couple glasses of wine) so not reaching for the wine at the end of the day was TOUGH.

Day 3: Felt much worse than days 1 & 2. Totally had to drag my ass out of bed. I was literally falling asleep at the computer that day. I never do that. Mood - pissy. My kids actually started begging me to drink coffee again. I'm not kidding. "PLEEEEEEASE, just have some coffee!"

Day 4: A little better than the day before. Still feeling cloudy.

Day 5: This was tough because it was Friday night. Mama wants cocktails on Friday night. Mama is pissed to be drinking decaf tea.

Day 6: Got up and went to the outdoor pool for a swim and then a run. I have to admit that not being the slightest bit hung over on a Saturday is a good thing. Went to Whole Foods to get all of the stuff for the real "cleanse" for week two. Came home with $150 in groceries to a house with no power. Not drinking at this moment took a measure of resolve that's hard to describe.

I cut all of the veggies (that go into a broth) up and put them into an ice chest with bags of ice so I didn't have to open the refrigerator - power outage 101. I put the fruit in there too and called it a night.

Day 7: Power back on. Went to a friend's lake house for the day. Hard not to get road coffee. I love road coffee. Road water just isn't the same. Came home and cooked the vegetable broth (a cubic buttload of veggies!) that is going to be one of the mainstays of the cleanse. Actually pretty proud of myself for making it this far.

Day 8: Began the day with hot water and the juice of a half of a lemon. Followed by a cup of green tea. Then an "ultrashake". The shake consists of rice protein powder, ground flax seed, flax seed oil, borage oil, almond butter, berries and a little bit of banana. All mixed with water and ice. Not horrible. It's not sweet but not bitter and surprisingly filling.

The plan says that if you haven't had a bowel movement my 10 a.m. to take two herbal laxative products. Let's just say that this hasn't been a problem so far.

Morning snack: 1 cup of the cubic buttload of vegetables broth. Raw veggies & a little organic hummus.

Lunch: 2 cups steamed veggies, 1/2 cup brown rice, UltraShake

Afternoon snack: Broth (that now makes me gag a little each time I drink it) and a few more veggies & hummus.

Dinner: Grilled chicken breast rubbed with a little olive oil, sea salt and pepper, 1/2 cup brown rice, sauteed spinach with garlic. And whoopee - more broth :(

Dessert: Nice try.

By the end of the day I wasn't hungry at all but I felt like absolute shit. Like I had the flu or something. I took a bath with Epsom salts and lavender oil before I went to bed (part of the cleanse) and I felt better. Woke up feeling pretty good, which brings us to....

Day 9: Weighed in maybe .5 lbs less than yesterday. One thing that is remarkable to me is that I'm really not very hungry. I had to teach spin this morning and was a little worried that I wouldn't have much stamina, but it was OK. I have to teach again tomorrow at O'Dark Thirty so that will be interesting.

I will keep you posted and let you know if Mikey liked it!

5 Freakin' Years

Everything we owned in the world was on a truck. Including our cars. I had locked up the house we loved for the last time and said goodbye to the garden with the blueberry bush that my son loved to graze on, the garden shed that looked like a barn complete with its own imaginary cow that lived inside it ("Po-Pa-Pee"). I said goodbye to my parents who lived a mere eight blocks away. I said goodbye to the zip code I'd lived in more or less since 1972.

We were moving to Jersey. Five years ago today we left one of the most desirable places in the country to live (Portland, Oregon) and moved to freakin' Jersey. The boys were five and 18 months - mind boggling.

Our day of travel flat out sucked. There were thunderstorms (Thunderstorm? What's a thunderstorm?) on the East Coast that delayed us for 5 hours in Seattle. We got into Newark after 1 a.m . Then had (insert snarkiest, most sarcastic voice here) AWESOME service at the rental car counter. We got lost on the way to our corporate housing and ended up paying a homeless man in Newark to at least point us in the right direction. We put the kids down at 3:30 a.m.

There are so many stories from those first few months. I was moved to tears more than once in the early days because it seemed so foreign; there was what felt to me like a lack of humanity. I'd never lived somewhere so scrappy, so cutthroat (at least on the freeways) or where people are so DIRECT. In many ways it was more of a culture shock then when I lived in Denmark.

But here we are five years later and you know what? I would do it all over again. Here's why:

1. Change is good. I really believe this now. I was content and happy in Portland. I was also deathly afraid of change. I could have easily stayed there for the rest of my life but I think I would have woken up one day at 60 or 70 and realized that my fears held me back. I have a resiliency now that wasn't there before (and it takes A LOT to make me cry).
2. I know my kids. Before we moved I worked flex time (which usually pushed more towards full time). I had a nanny that knew the parents at my sons preschool better than I did. Part of the decision to move included the fact that I could stay home with the boys. I will never, ever take this for granted. I've been a class parent every year, on the PTA board and involved in my kids lives every single day.
3. Friendship. When I was balancing work with two tiny kids I had very little time to cultivate friendships. I was in survival mode much of the time. I have made some of the best friendships of my life here and have enjoyed the company of some of the most amazing women I've ever met (and their husbands are pretty great too). I continue to meet interesting people from all walks of life that I never would have had the opportunity to had I stayed in my own little corner of the world. AND I value and cherish my longtime friends more than ever. Thank god for facebook and frequent flyer miles. It's easy to take our friends for granted when they live a mile away. Move 2500 miles away and you'll cherish every minute.
4. The gift of time. Having room to think and breathe has been a true gift. I'm never without a to do list (or a dirty something) but I don't have the time constraints of my former life. I feel much more creative, more balanced and more in tune with my own strengths than ever.
5. Perspective. We like to think we are one, united country and in many ways that's true, but there are stark differences from region to region. I came from the wide open west, founded by pioneers with a live and let live mentality. Those roots are still evident there (i.e. why of course there's a naked bike ride through Portland every year, why wouldn't there be?). There's three times as many people in Jersey than Oregon in WAY less space and an immigrant mentality that still pervades - I gotta get mine (my seat on the train, my place in the grocery line, my spot in the front row of body pump) before someone else nabs it. When you stop fighting this and embrace it and the people that surround you, it gives you a perspective and an understanding that is somewhat peaceful. I get them. I'll never be like them completely, but I get them.

Those are the big 5. There's other good things about Jersey and LOTS of things I miss terribly about Oregon but I feel so lucky. Lucky to love people all over this country. Lucky to be loved.

So when change hits you in the face, take a deep breath and open yourself up to the possibility of it. You just never know what might happen.

Redemption

I was just informed that part of me is womanly charming by my 10 year old.

That part would be my lower leg, beneath the knee. I'll take it.

The Sexiest Woman Alive

My boys have reached that point that they notice when I'm naked. My older son especially. I make a conscious effort now not to be naked when they're around, but sometimes it just happens and I try not to make a big deal about that either. The girl raised by wannabe hippies in me still feels like our bodies are lovely, natural things that we shouldn't have to be embarrassed about. Until your ten year old sees your naked boob profile that is.

The other day I was getting dressed and my son walked in my room to ask me a question and I was completely nude-o. I casually turned sideways and continued putting on my underwear. His eyes drifted immediately to my chest region. After cocking his head like an inquisitive puppy he lets me know the following tidbit of info:

"From the side you kind of look like a man who needs to jog more."

What do you think?

Hey bloggies. I miss you! I swear I'm going to start writing more regular-like. What do you think about this new template? Yes, no, whatever?

Also, please help me vote on a new haircut. After you're done with that, feel free to think about the important things in life like providing for your family, escalating violence in Darfur and of course that nasty pants oil spill.

If it makes you feel better I'll send my hair clippings to the gulf.

There's a very subtle difference between the two (one is a version of the other with more length).

#1 #2

By voting, you have just saved a Libra from indecision. You should feel really good about yourself.

Makes me want to have another baby

A sloth baby. We'd have so much in common!

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

Brilliant

Why didn't I take pictures when my kids decided to reenact the battle of Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Anakin Skywalker on Mustafar using dry erase markers instead of light sabers? Did I mention that this epic battle took place on MY MOTHER'S COUCH. Caps off of course. It was a sectional with 12 distinct sections. Somehow they managed to get a little something on every section. Every single one.

All of the couch pictures on this site make me a little sick to my stomach. I'm pretty sure I suffer from PTMS (Post traumatic marker syndrome). And don't let the name fool you, there's no erasing with dry erase markers.

http://shitmykidsruined.com/

Enjoy!

Are you there God...

It's me, not Margaret. I just got my over-40-period.

W. T. F. ?

I needed this today. Maybe you do too?

Announcements, Announcements, Annnnnounce-ments!!

While doing the dishes just now, I was treated to the following play-by-play from the downstairs bathroom:

"Mom, I just peed on the wall by accident!"

"Now I have to poop."

"Oh wait, it was just a fart."

"Nope, now I really have to poop." (Sound of toilet lid crashing).

2 minute intermission.

"Mom I'm done."

"Oh my gosh, I can see granola in my poop."

I CANNOT WAIT to read this to his first girlfriend.

Sign. Me. Up.

Just read about this new procedure. Titillating to say the least. Looks like a trip to Europe may be on the horizon...

Mr. Peepers Brushes his Teeth

Dinnertime

My children are just masquerading as children. I actually believe them to be feral wolf boys that have learned how to work the system. The amount of meat they can consume in one sitting is startling. I'm always walking the line between wanting to satisfy their hunger and clogging their arteries.

Tonight, I'm roasting a chicken (Barefoot Contessa's recipe). Little boy #2 is breathing down my neck for MEAT. Here's the conversation:

Boy #2: Can I PLEASE have a piece of meat!

Me: It's not ready yet.

Boy: (Counts to 20 as fast he can) It's ready!

Me: It doesn't work that way sweet potato.

Boy: Can I just PLEASE HAVE IT?

Me: Go back upstairs, I'll call you when it's ready.

Boy: Yeah, when I'm a skeleton.

Best App Ever

My husband read about this iphone application and decided to try it out on the children.

Here's the husband trying to coerce boy #2 to sing.

And here's boy #1, totally off the cuff singing an ode to warthogs.

We are now accepting offers from agents. Show us the money.

Happy Birthday Boy #1

Big day today. Big boy #1 is into the double digits. I can't believe it. He likes the fact that my age is EXACTLY 30 years more than his age. I don't like this so much anymore.

He came home from school today and announced that he's decided what he wants to be when he grows up: A Scatologist. I'll save you the trip to google:

http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/scatology

I'm thinking of asking for a partial refund of my property taxes.

Bigger problems.

My boys and I were in the bathroom the other night "brushing and peeing" (I was supervising, not participating). We were all looking at our reflections in the mirror. My older son has scratches all over his face from his overly enthusiastic love of our new bunny ("I will love him, and squeeze him and call him George....") My younger son has a ring around his mouth caused by his new transitory tick of childhood; incessant licking. And I, of course, have zit scabs.

So I'm slathering all of our faces up with Neosporin and say something like "sheesh, I can't believe I have so many zits, it's just not fair." And my loving son says:

"Yeah, you have so many other things to worry about like wrinkles and double chins and arthritis!"

(My evil fantasy reply)

"No kidding! Not to mention that whole 2012 end of the world thing? It's totally happening. G'night honey!"

The ledge: Talk me off it please.

I just pulled these out of my head. These are the first from the Northern Hemisphere (ahem). If it weren't 2 p.m. and I didn't have to teach a spin class at o'dark thirty tomorrow, I would start drinking now. I know this is stupid. I know this vain. But I'm still freaking out. Psst.....hey aging, FUCK YOU.

My fingers are ready

Well that blog title should get some interesting hits on google. Hey ya pervs! Now go away. To the rest of you friends, hi :) How the heck are you? I'm pretty good. I put the 'ole blog on the back burner for quite awhile, and almost left it there (as I've been known to do cooking whilst imbibing) but it's been beckoning to me lately.

I've always been a very linear, goal oriented person. I got through high school and college by focusing on little "milestones" (getting drivers permit, getting drivers license, getting a certain G.P.A., etc.). This blog was easy for me when it was milestone driven (my 40th birthday). I think I had the adult equivalent of finals week letdown after my birthday. And it's still lingering except this time I don't have a three day hangover and bronchitis.

So it's time to invent a new and/or improved purpose for this blog. Here's what I love about it. I love making people laugh, smile, snort, giggle and possibly pee a little bit through relatable stories. I love talking about great discoveries or calamities in my life. I love talking about the things that make aging a little more bearable and the things that make it really freaking frustrating. I love talking about my kids. I love not feeling alone in the world. I love inspiring people to live their best lives whatever their age.

I don't love it when it feels like work. I don't love editing myself because I'm worried about being crass or some future employer reading my blog on a background search and deciding not to hire me based on my potty talk. There's a REASON this blog is semi-anonymous. I started it for catharsis. I miss my girlfriends who I can be ridiculous with. We spend so much energy editing ourselves to be appropriate around our kids, our co-workers, strangers, in-laws and the like. Sometimes it just feels good to let it all hangout you know?

One of my very wise readers commented a long while back and said something that has stayed with me: "I see life in terms of my eulogy. Give me the crazy, goofy Aunt telling stories on me any day. (Over the p.c. "she was a pillar of her community/family/church version.)" I need to remember that if someone doesn't like what they read here, they will move on. And that is fine by me.

Let's have some fun.

Grrrrrrumpy

On a normal day, this picture would inspire me. Today it just pisses me off.

I set a new record for gluttonous behavior this holiday season. Not happy with myself whatsoever.

Not to mention PMS.

So Gwenny, my birthday-sharing sista:

SUCK IT.