I'm trying to figure out how to talk about this without sounding completely hysterical or insane. So I'll start from the beginning. This past summer I noticed my hands would hurt whenever I had to get something out of the deep freeze. It was kind of like, "hmm...that's weird, I never noticed that before." On with the day. So I mentioned it in passing to my gyno goddess in OR this past August and she said, "oh, you may have Raynaud's Syndrome." It really wasn't bothering me then so I don't think I even looked it up and she didn't seem concerned.
Well this weekend it got really freakin' cold in Jersey. I took the kids into town to see the Christmas Tree Lighting and we all bundled up. I had on ski gloves and the whole shebang. My fingers got so weirdly cold anyway and then throbbed, tingled and turned numb for like 24 hours afterwards. Then my feet started doing it too. So of course I get on the Internet. Bad, bad choice.
Here's how my brain works:
1. In my 20's had a positive ANA test. Rheumatologist at the time never retested, wasn't concerned said it was probably a false positive.
2. Now have Raynaud's Syndrome.
3. Had some guy read my palm in my 20's that said I would have a "serious illness" in my 40's.
4. I am now dying of a horrifying auto immune disease that I have been waiting for the last 20 years.
This makes perfect sense to me and my brain. I was in tears at the doctors office at the word go. The nurse had to do the pat on the back, it'll be OK thing. My doctor was very kind. Did a battery of tests that should be back in a week or so and referred me to a rheumatologist here. She doesn't think I have anything horrible (like scleroderma or lupus) but said we would rule it all out. She said it is very common to have Raynaud's Syndrome and not have something else associated with it.
I hate that I do this. I hate always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My friend and I were talking just the other day about feeling guilty about having such abundant lives. My problem is that I am secretly holding my breath waiting for it all to disappear in an instant. As my wise husband said today "that's no way to live."
He's right. I know he is. But I still haven't figured out how not to go down this path. How to follow my intellect instead of my fears. The sheer thought of not being there for my children is enough to make me vomit on my lap. I know that as I age there will be more and more things like this that come up and I have got to get a handle on it. I just really, honestly don't know how to.
Those of you who are still here, thanks for listening. I'll keep you posted.
ohhhh. mamanolike this news. abundant lives. well, yes, we are fortunate to saythe least. but my own personal guru said to me last week, "suffering is NOT relative." This was a huge weight lifted from my brain. Guilt no more. And as for the other shoe- I think this is it. One is not "given" everything they have, they work hard for it in every way. So, one does not "loose" everything they have when they are such hard workers...as Harry said once to me (which made me kinda mad) "I don't worry about you-You are a survivor!" I just know we are, though. We lived through Grant, and all that involved, at so young an age. Yours is "the other shoe..." mine is "hanging by a thread..." but, for now, there is no thud on the floor in either case. Let's go with that for today, and just focus on today.
ReplyDeleteI love you-
Oh dear sweet Jessa- you really are amazing, and even if the other shoe does drop you are going to continue to be amazing. I know a little something about waiting for the other shoe (a story or 3 for another day). Funny thing is the next day comes and the next, and after the waiting is over comes something else...perspective, gratitude, I don't know but something good in its own way. Your kids will know you, your compassion, your humor, your strength and your beauty. As for words of wisdom from husbands, mine has a saying that I try to live by, worrying won't change or fix anything.
ReplyDeleteHad to look that one up on Wikipedia. Never heard of Raynaud's Syndrome.
ReplyDeleteKeep fighting. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease at 28 that involved intrusive surgery. Yeah it sucked, but it brought about several positive changes in my life.
I'm sure things will work out fine. Let's chat on FB sometime.
-Mike
Thank you dear friends. Sage advice that I have taken to heart. Having a much better day. I appreciate you being there very much.
ReplyDeleteThis is something I have been struggling with for years, the fear stuff. I had a panic attack on my 38th birthday and have been dealing with my fear of dying ever since...when I was young I used to say (for no particular reason other than to seem dramatic I imagine) "I am going to die at a young age"...well apparently I was listening because I have been worried about that ever since. Not enough, mind you, to make the real changes of lifestyle that make the most difference in health until recently (post 40) (and even then I STILL have yet to get to the gym!) but what I have noticed is that with some of the recent changes in my diet and some other Unda tintures from my naturopath, my fears (especially at nighttime) have subsided quite a bit. I am not saying that you don't have reason to be concerned about your new issue, but you seem to take very good care of yourself and with that and your openness to sharing what lays heavy on your heart here on your blog, you are moving in great ways to relieve that stress and I believe this will help you go a long way towards leaving the fears behind....thanks for sharing so much...you rock!!
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