I will warn you now, if you are offended by swearing this is not the post for you. I am so, so, so angry at myself that this could get ugly and fast. This is going to sound stupid and petty and every other synonym for the word petty but it's because of the six pounds I gained over the last four weeks. I KNOW that six pounds is not the end of the world. But here's why I'm so mother fucking pissed off.Since turning 35 or so losing weight (for me) has been akin to climbing Mt. Everest or cracking the human genome. All possible, but really goddamn hard. After I had both kids I lost the weight but had started about 8 lbs. heavier than I'd been most of my adult life. So last Spring I set a goal to finally, once and for all, lose those 8 lbs. It was kind of like a personal challenge. And I did it. And it wasn't easy. But the way my body works is that once I get to a plateau it's relatively easy for me to stay there unless I completely lose my fucking mind, which apparently is what I did.
It was almost like I was testing myself. With every giant holiday bag of M & M's I bought, with every 2nd and 3rd (and shut up) glass of wine, with the pecan pie...the list is endless... I kept weighing myself everyday throughout the holidays and wasn't gaining any weight and I got cocky. Then, and I kid you not, January 1st I step on the scale and it's SIX PIECE OF SHIT POUNDS. I am not a tall or big boned person, six pounds shows up. For you mathematicians out there this is more than a 5% increase. I have this vision of all the fat cells holding their breath until they get the signal (I think Dick Clark gives it) and then they puff up like that dinosaur in Jurassic Park that ironically kills the fat guy.
So because this is my form of a diary and my place to air things, I am going to use some feeling words now. I feel pissed. I feel stupid. I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I should have known better. I feel lazy. I feel the button on my pants boring into my gut.
I feel like angry broccoli.
I'm sure you are as drop dead gorgeous as you've ever been and perhaps it's just fluid retention from all that wine?
ReplyDeleteYou are kind and gracious. I only wish you were right.
ReplyDeleteFood is a tricky one. Especially sweets (which alcohol is as well)...you knew what your inner voice was telling you but you wanted to enjoy the holidays, as most people do all around the world . It's not the worst thing to do and you know that you love to do other very healthy things for your body (spinning,yoga,taking supplements,etc)...I imagine that it would've been a hard sell NOT to eat the M&M's and so on with your man not around during the season of familial comfort...it's good to have your feelings and say your expletives and get it out...but then do as you would for anyone else you loved, and forgive and give yourself lots of love and support because you truly deserve it! You've done it before and you can do it again if those pounds really need to come off...but I imagine you are just as beautiful with or without'em!! Try some loving affirmations instead of mean ones for yourself,dearheart!! You would never want someone to talk to your sons the way you are talking to yourself...find that compassion and give it to yourself...
ReplyDeleteThank you j. Sage advice as always. I do save 99.99% of my judgement for one person - me. Honestly, it really isn't about the weight as much as the loss of the accomplishment.
ReplyDeleteOh well. Regret is a wasted emotion right? ONWARD...
P.S. - is it just me though or is ironic that the word verification thing that I have to type in to post is "flablimp." Totally serious.
Oh Jessa, me too. I made it all the way through with no weight gain and then this morning - 5 extra pounds. I haven't had those 5 extra pounds for the last 2 years, and now I just feel jiggly and squishy. Hope it'll melt off before I see you, but maybe we'll just exercise together!
ReplyDeleteAnd my sweetie swears it's all the salt, but he hasn't gained an ounce. Typical!
ReplyDeleteCentral Park is BIG. I wonder how many times we'd have to lap it...
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see you and your extra 5!
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ReplyDeleteAnger is a great tool when used constructively ... use it.
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