Out with it

I'm at one of those places where I need to "clear" before moving on with the blog.  I'm feeling much better now, but was definitely stuck in the mire there for awhile.  I know myself well enough to get curious about it when I'm feeling angry, paralyzed, apathetic, depressed or any combination of those emotions.

So what was going on?  Lots.  Where to start?

First of all, the state of the world.  I am a control freak.  And a Libra.  These two things are a dangerous combo.  My Libra-ness tells me there should be justice/fairness/balance in the world.  My control-freakness tells me that I should be handling this. 

Here's the crux of my anger on this one.  I handle all of the finances for our family.  This works for us.  My husband just seriously doesn't want to know and I'm comfortable with that.  Until the bottom fell out.  A little background:  I have been maxing out my 401k since I was 24.  The first thing I did with a large bonus from work was pay off a credit card debt I'd had since college.  I've never carried a balance since.  When we first got married we had about 13k between us.  Our parents each loaned us 5k to buy our first house.  From that point on we didn't spend money that we didn't have.  We saved up the cash before we bought our first furniture.  We bought less house than we could afford (all three times).  My husband's car is 14 years old.  We've always had plenty of insurance and rainy day savings and have been building retirement and college savings.  Our kids go to public school and we don't belong to a country club.  We live in the most highly taxed area of the country.  Our property taxes are more than our first mortgage (which we can't deduct due to the AMT).

So I'm pissed.  I'm pissed that we played by the rules and have lost half of everything we've worked for because of those who didn't.  Yes, at this point most of those losses are on paper, but it still weighs on me everyday.  I'm angry at so many people, not the least of them myself for not recognizing what was going to happen.  I'm angry at people who bought houses they couldn't afford.  I'm angry at lenders who threw money around recklessly.  I'm angry at the government for not recognizing the danger of turning sketchy mortgages into investment vehicles sooner.  I'm angry at the people who made shitloads of cash and got out long before the crash.  I'm angry at politicians who don't look any farther than the next election cycle when it comes to the long-term ramifications of their decisions.  

We did everything right, and yet are still left holding the bag.  And now we don't qualify for any of the "bailouts" but are front and center when it comes to who's going to get the tax bill for everyone else who's either too rich or under the caps to pay.  I hear my dad's voice in my head and his mantra "nobody ever said life was fair."  And he was right.  So now I have to choose how to react to all of it.  And my only choice is to let go of my disappointment in myself, the country, our institutions etc. and just be grateful.  I'm grateful that my husband is great at his job, and that he still has one.  I'm grateful that we do have savings that at least allow me to sleep at night.  I'm grateful that we are all healthy.  I'm grateful that we have health insurance.  I'm grateful that I have the ability to get a full time job if I need to.  I'm grateful that we're young(ish) and have the ability to change course if need be.

And maybe this is also another lesson in empathy.  I really do believe in the sentiment (that yes, I saw on a bumper sticker) "everybody does better when everybody does better."  We have too much poverty in this country.  We have too much excessiveness in this country.  Things have gotten out of whack.  But everyone needs to do their part and be responsible for the turnaround.  Class warfare will get us nowhere.  

On a more micro-level, I've been very angry with myself for not being the person that I know I can be.  I look around my house and get disgusted at the clutter and mess.  Who's in control of that?  I get frustrated at not achieving the goals that I set (like teaching a regular spin class) and go down a very negative path.  I have never been a very good time-manager and can piss it away like nobody's business.

So that's where I've been and why it's been difficult for me to feel creative.  I have to say that I'm incredibly grateful for all of you that continue to visit this blog.  I appreciate you more than you know!  Please keep coming back.

BTW - here's a close-up of the cloud booty if you couldn't pick it out of the sky:

p.s. Did you notice that we're at less than 100 days? Eeeeeeek!