I'll be your Mikey.
I'm famous for falling for ridonkulous advertising claims. All you have to do is tell me it's going to:
1. Make me skinnier
2. Make me look younger
3. Not give me cancer (i.e. sunless tanning products)
4. Make me feel healthier
5. Help my sports performance in some way
The crazier part is that I actually go into this like Mikey. I expect it NOT to work, I fully assume that I'm wasting my time and money, but I'm holding on to what if? What if my sun spots actually went away? What if these flip flops gave me J Lo's ass? What if?
So I'll be sharing some of these experiences, services and products with you in the future and I'll give them my own rating. If before and after pictures are appropriate (and not completely humiliating) I'll share those as well. It may even save you some time, money or effort in the future, who knows? If nothing else it will help me justify my gullibility.
So here's experience #1. THE CLEANSE. People are talking about cleanses all the time. I've been curious in the past but was not interested in a juice-only cleanse, or drinking cayenne pepper lemonade or doing anything that's going to make scary things come out of my butt.
But in this months issue of my "Experience Life" magazine that I get from my gym there was an article entitled The 7-day UltraSimple Slimdown. It's based on the book The Ultra Simple Diet, by Mark Hyman, MD. I've been feeling a little puffy lately and drinking too much of the vino, so I thought that I'd give this a shot. Thing is, it's really a 14 day program because for the week prior (days 1-7) you cut out caffeine (ouch), alcohol (gasp), processed and refined carbs & sugars and trans fats (ok).
I'm on day 9. Here's how it's been so far.
Day 1 & 2: OK. You're allowed up to 2 cups of regular green tea so the caffeine withdrawl wasn't horrifying. I (embarrassingly) am an almost daily drinker (couple glasses of wine) so not reaching for the wine at the end of the day was TOUGH.
Day 3: Felt much worse than days 1 & 2. Totally had to drag my ass out of bed. I was literally falling asleep at the computer that day. I never do that. Mood - pissy. My kids actually started begging me to drink coffee again. I'm not kidding. "PLEEEEEEASE, just have some coffee!"
Day 4: A little better than the day before. Still feeling cloudy.
Day 5: This was tough because it was Friday night. Mama wants cocktails on Friday night. Mama is pissed to be drinking decaf tea.
Day 6: Got up and went to the outdoor pool for a swim and then a run. I have to admit that not being the slightest bit hung over on a Saturday is a good thing. Went to Whole Foods to get all of the stuff for the real "cleanse" for week two. Came home with $150 in groceries to a house with no power. Not drinking at this moment took a measure of resolve that's hard to describe.
I cut all of the veggies (that go into a broth) up and put them into an ice chest with bags of ice so I didn't have to open the refrigerator - power outage 101. I put the fruit in there too and called it a night.
Day 7: Power back on. Went to a friend's lake house for the day. Hard not to get road coffee. I love road coffee. Road water just isn't the same. Came home and cooked the vegetable broth (a cubic buttload of veggies!) that is going to be one of the mainstays of the cleanse. Actually pretty proud of myself for making it this far.
Day 8: Began the day with hot water and the juice of a half of a lemon. Followed by a cup of green tea. Then an "ultrashake". The shake consists of rice protein powder, ground flax seed, flax seed oil, borage oil, almond butter, berries and a little bit of banana. All mixed with water and ice. Not horrible. It's not sweet but not bitter and surprisingly filling.
The plan says that if you haven't had a bowel movement my 10 a.m. to take two herbal laxative products. Let's just say that this hasn't been a problem so far.
Morning snack: 1 cup of the cubic buttload of vegetables broth. Raw veggies & a little organic hummus.
Lunch: 2 cups steamed veggies, 1/2 cup brown rice, UltraShake
Afternoon snack: Broth (that now makes me gag a little each time I drink it) and a few more veggies & hummus.
Dinner: Grilled chicken breast rubbed with a little olive oil, sea salt and pepper, 1/2 cup brown rice, sauteed spinach with garlic. And whoopee - more broth :(
Dessert: Nice try.
By the end of the day I wasn't hungry at all but I felt like absolute shit. Like I had the flu or something. I took a bath with Epsom salts and lavender oil before I went to bed (part of the cleanse) and I felt better. Woke up feeling pretty good, which brings us to....
Day 9: Weighed in maybe .5 lbs less than yesterday. One thing that is remarkable to me is that I'm really not very hungry. I had to teach spin this morning and was a little worried that I wouldn't have much stamina, but it was OK. I have to teach again tomorrow at O'Dark Thirty so that will be interesting.
I will keep you posted and let you know if Mikey liked it!
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