Peaked

Boy it's been awhile.  So long in fact that I just spent 25 minutes trying to figure out what the hell my username and password were to get back into this blog.  That's just sad.  But here we are.  So, something compelled me to get back to this today (actually I think it's been calling and I just keep stuffing it down).

When I started this blog I was on my way to 40.  I was in a race to see how many things I could try, improve or experience and fighting aging with everything I had.  NEVER SURRENDER! my motto.

My next birthday will be 45.  Oh, what a difference 4+ years makes.

I had a revelation this morning.  I've peaked.  Probably a really long time ago too.  Fuck.  My skin is getting papery around my eyes.  New crevices are appearing on what seems to be daily regularity around my mouth.  When I workout I feel slower and heavier, like I have a small roast strapped to each leg.  Intellectually I feel slower too.  I recently found a box in the basement of some papers I had written in grad school.  Goddammit I WAS really smart.

So that's it.  I'll never be as young looking as before.  I'll never have the athletic potential I did in my twenties and thirties.  I won't be winning any MENSA awards anytime soon.  By these measurements, I most certainly have peaked.

Choice time.  Do I dwell on what can't be changed?  Start booking my plastic surgery consultations?  Not very inspiring.  The second part of my revelation was that for every way I have peaked, there are ten ways that I haven't.  Here are a few highlights:

1.  I haven't peaked as parent.  I need to stay curious and open to learning about my kids; what makes them tick, what they need, what they DON'T need and who they can be in this world.

2.  I haven't peaked as partner.  Sooner than we think, our kids will be leaving us.  Alone.  I need to do the work to stay connected now, through the crazy times, so when they do go we're sad but also REALLY EXCITED.

3.  I haven't peaked as a friend, daughter, sister.  I simply do not put enough energy into cultivating my relationships.  Period.

4.  I haven't peaked as a human being.  The amount of time I contribute to society as a whole is pathetic.  I can give so much more and will be putting considerable energy towards this in the future.

I'm going to remember these things and the other things on my list every time I look in the mirror and feel deflated.  There will always be something I can improve, it just may not be my ass.

And a disclaimer, this is still my blog on aging, so I'll continue talk about things that make it a little less sucky, or old asses better.