I was just informed

that I'm too old to be a fashion model.  Because fashion models are in their teens or twenties and have sexy tans.

But I'm not so old that I should be at the senior house where farts are silent but deadly (this comes from a visit with their great grandmother who cleared the room).

And I'm also to old to climb.

It would be inappropriate of me to bill them for breast and labial reconstruction right?  Right.

It's all for you...

The setting:  My living room, 7:50 a.m., Wednesday morning

The Characters: Me, son #1

(I'm sitting on a chair looking at my iphone, waiting for dilly dally to get his shoes & coat on so I can take him to school)

Son:  "Stop texting and let's go!"

Me:  "I'm not texting, I'm reading the news, and stop thinking you can tell me what to do.  I'm the parent, you're the child."

Son:  "Well it won't always be that way."

Me:  "Yes it will, you will always be my child."

Son:  "No, when you're old and shivery, you'll have to answer to me."

Then he shot me this look:

I did shiver a little.  

You better run, you better take cover.

To the silver strangers appearing down under:

You are not welcome here.  Please hand the land back over to the aboriginal population or you will find yourselves the victims of complete deforestation.

Faster than I can say "Gillette."

Chompers

I'm all for non-invasive cosmetic procedures that take years off your looks.  One thing I'm surprised more people don't think about is their teeth.  Dingy teeth make you look old and well, dingy.  There are so many products out there to help whatever your budget.

Here's my rating of what I have tried over the years on a scale of 1-10:

Crest White Strips:  6+.  Pretty good results, not a shocking difference for me but the price is affordable ($30-$40).

Go Smile:  2.  Completely a victim of a slick informercial coupled with temporary insanity and vodka.  I can't remember what it cost, but whatever it was, it was 100% more than it should have been.

Zoom Whitening:  7+.  I did this before my 20th high school reunion through my dentist.   I expected more of a "wow" effect.  It was good, but not great.  I would have been pretty bummed out about spending the cash (it was a chunk - $400) if it hadn't been for my dentist's policy of also making a tray mold for touch ups.  Which leads me to:

Professional Tray Mold and gel: 9.  I felt like I got the best results from the tray.  If I were to only have done this part it would have been half the cost at my dentist ($200).

Whatever you do, I hope you don't end up with teeth like these from the ad on my facebook page.  

WILLLBURRRR!  Talk about photoshop gone wrong.  Someone give this poor woman a carrot.

Let's rub this on the economy

This is an arnica flower.  Yesterday I was getting out of the shower and for some unknown reason decided to very enthusiastically hoist my leg up and out of the basin and straight into where the tile forms a corner.  Ouchy mama.

After yelling the f word 10 times give or take, I assessed the damages.  There was a seam straight down the side of the top of my knee, it was bright red and starting to swell.  Those of you who exercise on a regular basis know exactly what was going though my head.  "Great, how much/how long is this going to set me back.  Can I go to spin tomorrow? And just when I was feeling so good!"

I slathered some arnica gel on it right away.  If you don't have arnica on hand, get some.  It's amazing in my opinion, especially if you can get it on the injury quickly.  I think it works best for contusion type injuries, not as well on pulls and strains.  I fell down our front steps last winter and had the nastiest bruise ever on my ass (my 4 year old said while watching me get into the shower "mommy who spilled grape juice on your bum?") and the arnica helped it heal much quicker than it would have on its own.  You can find it at anywhere that carries homeopathic medicines or online.

Last night it hurt to walk up and down stairs.  This morning, totally fine.  Hooray for arnica!

The Tooth Fairy is a LOSER.

My son lost his first tooth in a long while this week.  He has this thing where he won't give the tooth to the Tooth Fairy, he leaves her a note about how he'd like to keep the tooth, which he then proceeds to lose under our furniture.  Hopefully our house won't be the scene of a CSI investigation anytime soon.

He put the note under his pillow Wednesday night.  Thursday morning I go in to wake him up, first thing he does is sit straight up and look under the pillow, note is still there.  I am a deer in the headlights.  Then followed a very uncomfortable 5 seconds of silence while we sized up the other's reaction.

"It's still there! It's you ISN'T it!  And you FORGOT!"

Crossroads.  Do I lie?  Do I confess?  Do I let him join the half of the kids in third grade that don't believe in the TF or Santa?  

"Now have a little faith.  I'm sure there's a good reason.  You know how the Tooth Fairy brings you gold coins?  Well, maybe with the run on gold she's having a hard time finding them."

This was the best I could do under duress.  I will say, this explanation did lead to quite the macro economics discussion at bedtime last night.  

And now we arrive at this morning, where it is discovered that I forgot yet again.  What an effing loser.

Mamadamus?

I'm getting a little freaked out.  In the blog, I mention a plane falling on my house, a few days later a plane falls on someone's house in Buffalo.  I mention chimps.  Chimp goes crazy (yes that took restraint) in the tri-state area.  I have a problem with feeling responsible for things beyond my control as it it.  So is this coincidence or am I unknowingly a soothsayer?  Just in case it's the latter, I thought I'd mention a few more things:

Lasting peace in the middle east, husband's obsession with mega millions tickets pays off, cure for cancer, solid economic recovery, free boob job, end to world hunger and disease, people are nice to each other, Jersey people learn to drive like civilized humans, children are healthy and happy, did I mention free boob job, miraculously can eat chips and dip without gaining an ounce or being bad for me, win free landscaping, have strange throat virus emerge with the singing voice of Annie Lennox.

That should cover it.