Redemption

I was just informed that part of me is womanly charming by my 10 year old.

That part would be my lower leg, beneath the knee. I'll take it.

The Sexiest Woman Alive

My boys have reached that point that they notice when I'm naked. My older son especially. I make a conscious effort now not to be naked when they're around, but sometimes it just happens and I try not to make a big deal about that either. The girl raised by wannabe hippies in me still feels like our bodies are lovely, natural things that we shouldn't have to be embarrassed about. Until your ten year old sees your naked boob profile that is.

The other day I was getting dressed and my son walked in my room to ask me a question and I was completely nude-o. I casually turned sideways and continued putting on my underwear. His eyes drifted immediately to my chest region. After cocking his head like an inquisitive puppy he lets me know the following tidbit of info:

"From the side you kind of look like a man who needs to jog more."

Announcements, Announcements, Annnnnounce-ments!!

While doing the dishes just now, I was treated to the following play-by-play from the downstairs bathroom:

"Mom, I just peed on the wall by accident!"

"Now I have to poop."

"Oh wait, it was just a fart."

"Nope, now I really have to poop." (Sound of toilet lid crashing).

2 minute intermission.

"Mom I'm done."

"Oh my gosh, I can see granola in my poop."

I CANNOT WAIT to read this to his first girlfriend.

Dinnertime

My children are just masquerading as children. I actually believe them to be feral wolf boys that have learned how to work the system. The amount of meat they can consume in one sitting is startling. I'm always walking the line between wanting to satisfy their hunger and clogging their arteries.

Tonight, I'm roasting a chicken (Barefoot Contessa's recipe). Little boy #2 is breathing down my neck for MEAT. Here's the conversation:

Boy #2: Can I PLEASE have a piece of meat!

Me: It's not ready yet.

Boy: (Counts to 20 as fast he can) It's ready!

Me: It doesn't work that way sweet potato.

Boy: Can I just PLEASE HAVE IT?

Me: Go back upstairs, I'll call you when it's ready.

Boy: Yeah, when I'm a skeleton.

Best App Ever

My husband read about this iphone application and decided to try it out on the children.

Here's the husband trying to coerce boy #2 to sing.

And here's boy #1, totally off the cuff singing an ode to warthogs.

We are now accepting offers from agents. Show us the money.

Happy Birthday Boy #1

Big day today. Big boy #1 is into the double digits. I can't believe it. He likes the fact that my age is EXACTLY 30 years more than his age. I don't like this so much anymore.

He came home from school today and announced that he's decided what he wants to be when he grows up: A Scatologist. I'll save you the trip to google:

http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/scatology

I'm thinking of asking for a partial refund of my property taxes.

Bigger problems.

My boys and I were in the bathroom the other night "brushing and peeing" (I was supervising, not participating). We were all looking at our reflections in the mirror. My older son has scratches all over his face from his overly enthusiastic love of our new bunny ("I will love him, and squeeze him and call him George....") My younger son has a ring around his mouth caused by his new transitory tick of childhood; incessant licking. And I, of course, have zit scabs.

So I'm slathering all of our faces up with Neosporin and say something like "sheesh, I can't believe I have so many zits, it's just not fair." And my loving son says:

"Yeah, you have so many other things to worry about like wrinkles and double chins and arthritis!"

(My evil fantasy reply)

"No kidding! Not to mention that whole 2012 end of the world thing? It's totally happening. G'night honey!"

Jiggle Butt Joe

Hey there.

So sorry if you came to check the blog and found it was "invitation only". Long, boring story. All is back to normal now. For your patience you get a treat. Here are my boys having fun with the Franklin Speaking Dictionary. It really is funny to make it say naughty things.

My morning face

My five year old let me know on Halloween that the neighbors had a jack 'o lantern that looked like "my morning face." Meaning me. My face.

I couldn't wait to see it. I couldn't wait so much it took me until a half hour ago to walk down there and look. Here it is:

When I asked him what part of it reminded him of me, he replied "all of it."

How funny would it be if I asked the neighbors for it, cut the bottom out, and was wearing it on my head when he came down for breakfast tomorrow? Muahh ahhh ahhh!

The solar system a.k.a. "the flying chicken"

My fourth grader is studying the solar system this year.  It's really fun because he loves learning about it and I love it when he shares what he's learning with me because I find it really interesting.

We were talking about it tonight at bedtime and pondering why the planets are round (as opposed to other geometrical shapes).  Then he realized that squares couldn't rotate like circles.  It was an a-ha moment for him.

He says, "you know, the planets are like poultry in motion."

I say, "you mean poetry in motion?"

He says, "I always thought that meant something was like a flying chicken!"

Dreamweaver

My older son came down for breakfast yesterday and silently started eating his cereal.  I had my somewhat comatose back to him making his sandwich for lunch when he suddenly cried out "OH, THANK GOD!"  After peeling myself off the ceiling, I asked him what in the hay he was shouting about.

He says, "It was just a DREAM."  "I had the worst dream about my homework.  It was really, really hard, but the worst part was they made us write it all on LEAVES."

I decided not to tell him about the naked-in-school-with-all-the-doors-locked-bell-about-to-ring dreams he has in store for him.  That would just be mean.

...and clean as a whistle!

My husband had to go home to Jersey yesterday but left his travel sized Irish Spring body wash in the shower. My boys found it and were determined to slather themselves up with it tonight in the bath. I tried to dissuade them by saying that it was harsher than the soap they're used to, might irritate their eyes, was a grown-up soap etc. etc. but they wouldn't have it.

My older son gave me the "hey mom I need to tell you something on the down-low look" so I leaned over so he could whisper to me. Suggestively raising his eyebrows he says "I think the ladies will LOVE it!"

The sad thing is he's right. Irish Spring is seriously sexy. God knows how many rats had to die to figure that out but it's the most truth in advertising EVER.

A moment in time

He knew I was working, so he crept in quietly.  He made himself comfortable on the sofa to my left.  With restraint that comes most difficultly to a nine year old boy, he watched me type away without interruption.

I could tell he was staring at me.  Studying me.  I remember doing that with my parents.  Really looking at them when they didn't realize what I was doing.  It's almost flattering, like being appreciated as art.

Finally, he couldn't stand the silence.

"Did you know you have two chins?"

Oregon love

Day 6 of Oregon Summer Vacation:  

Just got back from a weekend at my parents' property on Mt. Hood.  So nice.  They have an annual blueberry picking party & barbecue up there.  My kids had so much fun they are now in a coma upstairs.  Some of my friends from high school and college made it up this year which made it twice as nice.

I also had a great bike ride today with my dad and uncle.  Hint:  If you ever want to feel like an iron woman, go on a ride with a 66 year old who just had double hip replacement and a guy who brought the wrong shoes and couldn't clip in.  I could actually keep up!!!  Seriously, it was so beautiful on the mountain riding winding country roads (with no pot holes or a-holes, "hint hint" Jersey) and actually being able to ride and talk side by side was luxurious.

It's so strange when your kids get to age like that of my older son where you can spend a weekend with them and feel like you never saw them.  He LOVES his cousins so much he gets lost in them.  One of his cousins is a little older than him however, so I'm always wondering what the subject matter may drift to when they're alone.  When we got home tonight he took me aside and said "mom, there's something I want to talk to you about, but I know what you're going to say."  I'm thinking, uh oh, what did he hear/say/do?  He says, "you know how I've become really attracted to...."   wait for it....    fill in the blanks like I did.....

"frozen treats?"

That next sound heard around the world was my exhale.

"Uh huh?"  I say with a relived smile and suppressing a huge giggle .  "Well, I know that I've had WAY too much sugar today, but I can't stop thinking about that Mango stuff grandma has in the freezer."

Lets just say he got lots of kisses on his sweet, 9 year old, sunburned face tonight.

And then the five year old came down the stairs with his pants around his ankles and yelled "hey my shadow looks like it has boobs!"

Something for the ladies

My 9 year old son's writing has really blossomed this year.  He has a great sense of the fact that he's writing to an audience.  In this excerpt, he gives his female readers a little something to sink their teeth into:

"...(Arnold) Supersleuth was rather handsome for a detective.  He was tall, he had a long, flowing mustache, big strong arms, hard muscular legs and a perfect face with shiny white teeth and eyes that don't need glasses..."

He had me at flowing mustache.

A mob boss is born

As per the usual weekend routine around here, my boys spent too much time in the same room and started having fights.  This one was a new one.

Apparently the 9 year old was trying to "sell" the 5 year old "fort insurance" and became frustrated when he wouldn't shell out.  Why does one need "fort insurance" I inquired.  I was informed that you need it for when your fort falls down due to shoddy construction and you have to move into your older brother's fort while it's being repaired (by the older brother's fort construction firm).

  

Who does he buy it from?  The older brother in question of course.  Who also gave him the "puny" pillows to start with.

Tony Soprano would be so freakin' proud.

Raising Don Rickles

My five year old is a piece of work lately.  Just had this conversation:

(Me on the back porch, him in the back yard)

Me:  "What do you want for lunch?"

Him:  "Nothing yet!" (This is the third time I've gotten this answer)

Me:  "It's almost 2 o'clock, you need to eat something."

Him:  (Pointing a stick at me) "Don't rush me lady!"

Jersey & The formative years

To be fair, I don't know if I have Nickelodeon or Jersey to thank for this exchange with my five year old this morning before school.  He has lived here since he was 18 months old however....

Me:  "It's raining out, you're going to need your coat with a hood."

Him: "Then find my coat.  Capiche?"

I sware da gad that's exactly what he said.

Would you rather...

Sleep in the driveway for 24 hours

OR

Be a worm for two days

I answered "worm" because I thought it would be interesting to see the world through the perception of a different species.  The response?  "But then you wouldn't see US!"  Then why, oh why do you ask me these questions little man?

Inheritance? Spent it on new boobs.

I carpool/walk pool my older son and two friends to school every other week.  Last week we were in the car and they were arguing over the old "jinxed" thing.  My son and his friend said something at the same time, said "jinx" and then his friend was looking for wood to knock on.

As we were walking to the corner I explained that I thought he had two types of "jinx" confused.  The one he was referring to is the kind where someone "jinxes" you (like a sports announcer) by saying something definitely will or won't happen and then you need to find wood to knock on.  I have to use this technique frequently when my husband says that the plane will NOT crash (have you ever tried to find wood at an airport?  Impossible.).

So the friend was nodding with understanding and as they sauntered into the crosswalk where I am risking my life to stop Jersey traffic for them, I hear my son say, "wow, I guess my mom isn't such an old hag after all."

34 C please.  Nice and perky.