Peaked

Boy it's been awhile.  So long in fact that I just spent 25 minutes trying to figure out what the hell my username and password were to get back into this blog.  That's just sad.  But here we are.  So, something compelled me to get back to this today (actually I think it's been calling and I just keep stuffing it down).

When I started this blog I was on my way to 40.  I was in a race to see how many things I could try, improve or experience and fighting aging with everything I had.  NEVER SURRENDER! my motto.

My next birthday will be 45.  Oh, what a difference 4+ years makes.

I had a revelation this morning.  I've peaked.  Probably a really long time ago too.  Fuck.  My skin is getting papery around my eyes.  New crevices are appearing on what seems to be daily regularity around my mouth.  When I workout I feel slower and heavier, like I have a small roast strapped to each leg.  Intellectually I feel slower too.  I recently found a box in the basement of some papers I had written in grad school.  Goddammit I WAS really smart.

So that's it.  I'll never be as young looking as before.  I'll never have the athletic potential I did in my twenties and thirties.  I won't be winning any MENSA awards anytime soon.  By these measurements, I most certainly have peaked.

Choice time.  Do I dwell on what can't be changed?  Start booking my plastic surgery consultations?  Not very inspiring.  The second part of my revelation was that for every way I have peaked, there are ten ways that I haven't.  Here are a few highlights:

1.  I haven't peaked as parent.  I need to stay curious and open to learning about my kids; what makes them tick, what they need, what they DON'T need and who they can be in this world.

2.  I haven't peaked as partner.  Sooner than we think, our kids will be leaving us.  Alone.  I need to do the work to stay connected now, through the crazy times, so when they do go we're sad but also REALLY EXCITED.

3.  I haven't peaked as a friend, daughter, sister.  I simply do not put enough energy into cultivating my relationships.  Period.

4.  I haven't peaked as a human being.  The amount of time I contribute to society as a whole is pathetic.  I can give so much more and will be putting considerable energy towards this in the future.

I'm going to remember these things and the other things on my list every time I look in the mirror and feel deflated.  There will always be something I can improve, it just may not be my ass.

And a disclaimer, this is still my blog on aging, so I'll continue talk about things that make it a little less sucky, or old asses better.

Hey there.

I'm back.  Like the ghosts in Poltergeist (which we watched part of on vacation btw - freaky to see now as a parent).

Thank you to everyone who took the time to leave a comment, you were all lifelines during a very hard time.  I did a lot of soul searching (and crying) over the last week and a half.  My family is the most important thing in the world to me.  Hurting them hurt me very deeply.

I have tried to get reflective about all of this.  Interestingly enough, the movie on the plane was very helpful and not just by keeping my mind off my impending death (have we talked about my fear of flying yet?).  It was "Marley and Me" which I hadn't seen yet.  If you haven't seen it, it's columnist John Grogan's autobiographical account of family life with their crazy dog Marley.  There was a point in the movie where his wife (Jennifer Aniston) is looking over a collection of his columns and marveling at the stories there.  Sad, funny, hopeful stories that had one thing in common; they were relatable.

That's all I'm trying to do here really.  Relate.  We're on this earth for such a blink.  This is one of my ways to connect.  To share.  To laugh.  To worry.  To bitch and rant.  It's ironic because I've thought of this blog as my column of sorts.  

I think I've unknowingly put parameters on this blog that only let me share a portion of myself.  I've made it up that if I'm not funny (all the time), no one will want to read it.  So I've left out a big chunk of who I am and that's not authentic.  Don't get me wrong, it's very hard for me to get through a conversation (real or virtual) without cracking a joke of some kind - but if I go into every post with the only intention to be "funny" then I'm not being true to my purpose here.

So I want to keep doing this.  With new ground rules.  I will share more of who I am with you, good, bad, smelly, hairy, scared (OK I'll stop).  I won't write anything about anyone that I would be embarrassed to have them read.  Unless they are complete strangers - you have to give me this one.  I will be true to myself in the sense that I will not filter things to be more "sanitary" or politically correct.

So if you've stuck around, thank you.  I appreciate you very much and have a LIST of things to talk about, so let's get to it shall we?

Weekend Update

Whew!  What a week right?  It's been really hard for me to sit down and write this week for so many reasons.   Part of me felt that with the monumental changes going on in our country it was almost disrespectful to write about the silly, unimportant crap I normally write about.  And, I've been "giving of myself" this week at my son's school which has taken an enormous amount of time and energy.  I'm in a place of trying to figure out how to make the most of my time & talents that contributes to my family and the world at the same time.  Anyone out there have suggestions?  I'm all ears.

I have figured out a few things.  Fitness is a passion of mine, specifically yoga, spinning and training.  I need to do something with this.  I have been talking forever about getting certified to teach spin and finally did it.  I'm doing the training on February 7th!  Very excited and terrified about teaching.  I have no problem speaking in front of thousands of people, but the thought of leading a spin class of 30 peeps freaks me out!  What if I hyperventilate and fall off the bike?  What if I fart?

I've also been teaching yoga at my son's school during indoor lunch periods.  This has been amazing.  Last week I had 40+ third graders in a hallway doing yoga and they were SILENT.  I am not shitting you.  I have some girls in my classes that are my absolute inspiration to keep coming back.  These are mostly african american girls who have never done yoga but are completely into it.  I watch them getting into the poses, the relaxation, the connection of mind/body/breathing and it touches me.  They say things like "I can feel myself getting stronger already" and "I love the third eye, it's so relaxing" and thank me so sincerely for coming and want to know EXACTLY when I'm coming back.  I hadn't ever considered being a yoga teacher, but after this experience I just might.  

The other thing I've figured out is that I do love to write and I love to make people laugh.  When someone makes a comment on my blog that I made them laugh out loud, it absolutely carries me through the day.  That's the other reason that I haven't blogged much this week, I just haven't felt funny.  I've felt reflective.  I'm sure this won't last.

I would like to say thanks to everyone that comes and visits this blog.  It has been a gift to me to have this place to air my silliness, stories, fears and bitches.  Politically, I am an Independent and don't align myself with either extreme of the spectrum.  But I do sincerely believe one thing that our new President talks about frequently and that is that we are all in this together.

I'm ready.