Peaked

Boy it's been awhile.  So long in fact that I just spent 25 minutes trying to figure out what the hell my username and password were to get back into this blog.  That's just sad.  But here we are.  So, something compelled me to get back to this today (actually I think it's been calling and I just keep stuffing it down).

When I started this blog I was on my way to 40.  I was in a race to see how many things I could try, improve or experience and fighting aging with everything I had.  NEVER SURRENDER! my motto.

My next birthday will be 45.  Oh, what a difference 4+ years makes.

I had a revelation this morning.  I've peaked.  Probably a really long time ago too.  Fuck.  My skin is getting papery around my eyes.  New crevices are appearing on what seems to be daily regularity around my mouth.  When I workout I feel slower and heavier, like I have a small roast strapped to each leg.  Intellectually I feel slower too.  I recently found a box in the basement of some papers I had written in grad school.  Goddammit I WAS really smart.

So that's it.  I'll never be as young looking as before.  I'll never have the athletic potential I did in my twenties and thirties.  I won't be winning any MENSA awards anytime soon.  By these measurements, I most certainly have peaked.

Choice time.  Do I dwell on what can't be changed?  Start booking my plastic surgery consultations?  Not very inspiring.  The second part of my revelation was that for every way I have peaked, there are ten ways that I haven't.  Here are a few highlights:

1.  I haven't peaked as parent.  I need to stay curious and open to learning about my kids; what makes them tick, what they need, what they DON'T need and who they can be in this world.

2.  I haven't peaked as partner.  Sooner than we think, our kids will be leaving us.  Alone.  I need to do the work to stay connected now, through the crazy times, so when they do go we're sad but also REALLY EXCITED.

3.  I haven't peaked as a friend, daughter, sister.  I simply do not put enough energy into cultivating my relationships.  Period.

4.  I haven't peaked as a human being.  The amount of time I contribute to society as a whole is pathetic.  I can give so much more and will be putting considerable energy towards this in the future.

I'm going to remember these things and the other things on my list every time I look in the mirror and feel deflated.  There will always be something I can improve, it just may not be my ass.

And a disclaimer, this is still my blog on aging, so I'll continue talk about things that make it a little less sucky, or old asses better.

Song lyric updates from my kids

Just thought you should know that the lyrics you've been singing in the car to some of today's hits may not be correct. My kids have cleared up a few of them for me lately:

Mr. Brightside by The Killers? No, no. That's Mr. Bitesized.

An excerpt from Animal, by The Neon Trees:

"Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends?" is actually the more sinister and frankly a bit creepy "Here we go again, I kinda wanna be mauled in France."

And finally, from pop princess Katy Perry's, Hot N' Cold:

"You're hot and you're cold, it gets in your nose." And you thought it said "you're yes and you're no." Duh.

If this is halfway...god help me.

I started making a mental list of my ailments over the past few months:

1. Kidney Stones

2. Scratched Cornea

3. Eye Floaters

4. Herniated Disc

5. Pre-arthritic knee & shoulder

Is this my list or Ed Asners? Good lord. 80 isn't looking so good.

I do feel much better after kicking that medicine to the curb. Not better physically but at least I'm not looking to give away my prized possessions and watching reruns of Six Feet Under anymore.

Ironically, the thing I miss the most is running. I have running dreams now like my Golden Retriever used to (I wonder if I twitch my paws in my sleep like he did?). I started Physical Therapy on Monday so we'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, I made an elliptical machine my bitch over the weekend. I guarantee that thing hadn't seen action like that recently. There's a reason people don't lose weight using those things - it takes SERIOUS effort to get your heart rate up high enough to do a decent interval.

My message to anyone reading this is please don't take your body for granted. USE it! TRAIN it! ENJOY it!

Wallowing

I know I haven't blogged for AGES, but I really need a place to place to vent, have a pity party (complete with a disco ball that rains tears and a laser light show that just flashes the word "FUCK" over and over), to speak my mind and basically get over myself. I'm sure I have no readers left at this point because I've been such a lame ass blogger, but maybe it's better that way.

If any of you are actually reading this and do know me and/or read my blog you KNOW how much fitness and training are a huge part of my life. Since November, I've been doing Crossfit, which has added a whole new dimension to my training. I've felt stronger and more fit than ever. Until a month ago.

All of a sudden I had numbness in my left hand and weakness in my left arm. Long, boring story short I have a herniated disk in my neck (C6). Not a HUGE deal medically, but psychologically a HUGE bummer. I can't do any exercise with any impact (no running, bouncing, jumping) and no lifting (sniff). When the doctor told me I could STILL do the elliptical machine I wanted to punch him in his face. Except I'm not supposed to punch either.

We're treating it conservatively right now with rest, anti-inflammatories and therapy. If that doesn't work, we go to more invasive options. He also prescribed a nerve medication for the numbness and tingling in my hand and arm called Gabapentin (Neuronitin). Side effects include: Suicide. I've taken it for three days and I think I'm done. Not liking the way it makes me feel (lethargic) and all around craptastic. Plus, it just masks the symptoms, does nothing to cure the condition. Our flex savings kicks in again in July so I'm going back to the acupuncturist.

The whole thing really makes me sad. And what does it say about me that I'm not happy unless I can do everything physical that I want to do when I want to do it? I had huge plans for the summer, was signed up for more events, wanted to do more surfing lessons, wanted to push myself to the next level in Crossfit. Now I just feel lost and in limbo.

I think about soldiers coming back from overseas without limbs, people fighting chronic illnesses etc. and it makes me feel like the biggest whiner in the world. I know this too shall pass, one way or another. But maybe it's time for a little more balance in my life? Or to find a few other things besides working out that bring the same level of satisfaction? I thought about going to the local animal shelter and seeing if I could walk dogs. That sounds pretty great :)

It is the last summer I have with my older son before he goes to middle school. Maybe this is my message from the universe to soak him up? On that note, we're off to the wolf preserve. Woof.

Beautiful

I know that I wax on about stupid, vain & trivial things in this blog A LOT. I'm really not a negative person or as cynical or shallow as I may come across sometimes. Humor (and alcohol) are just my coping mechanisms. Laughing about hairs growing out of my --insert inappropriate & horrifying location here-- is just my way of dealing with the fact that things beyond my control are happening. To my body. All the time.

I love life. I really do believe that growing older is a privilege (thank you Laura Linney for those words). But don't worry , I WILL still make fun of it a little along the way. But I will never, ever forget to be grateful. Thank you Alice.

BOO!

I don't care if all of these are always the same. I don't care how many times I see a kid scream when the pumpkin headed scarecrow comes to life, I still laugh out loud. Hopefully you do too.




BTW - Based on the state of my complexion these days, I think I'll be going as a Crack Whore this Halloween. All I need is a pipe, some baking soda, a few dirty kids and I'm good to go.

One cool kitty

File this post under "learn from my misfortune and stupidity."

IF you're ever in the shower and run out of soap,
AND you decide to use your shampoo as an all over body wash,
DON'T use the Aveda Rosemary and Mint.

There are certain body parts that simply don't enjoy the burning, I mean cooling and tingling sensation.