Happy Belated Birthday Jen

I meant to post a happy 40th birthday message to Jennifer Aniston yesterday but I was in my bed at 7:45 quaking with chills.  Seems all my effort not to succumb to the bug in my house was for naught.  So I am feeling a little better today, but still posting from bed in my pajamas with bizarre sharp pains in my stomach.

This video made me feel better.  Hope it makes you feel better too.

Puke on me once...

I've been a parent for 9 years as of yesterday (happy birthday to my beautiful, incredible, HUGE boy).  You would think I'd have the sense to move my ass when I hear the words "mommy my tummy hurts" at 4:30 a.m.  (or at least the muscle memory).  But I didn't.  I was still exhausted from Saturday's Spin Teacher orientation and in the middle of that deepest sleep of the night.

I hesitated.  I asked 2 too many questions (1. Do you have to poop? 2. Do you have to throw up?) and paid dearly with a comforter, a coverlet, a sheepskin throw and an area rug.

I have spent the first day of what was supposed to be an incredibly productive week watching (OK sleeping through) a Scooby-doo movie in my bed, cuddling on the couch, doing barf laundry and staying in PJ's until 4 p.m.  I have to work on a project tonight that I had wanted to get a jump on today and now probably can't work out until at least Wednesday.

This video symbolically represents how I am feeling.  Blessed to have my adorable children, but sometimes I'd just really like to do some freakin' yoga in peace, preferably near an ocean with no one under 4 ft. 6 inches within miles.  I think I need a vacation.

Warning:  Boob alert.  Disclaimer: If this video offends you, you are reading the wrong blog.

Fuzzy Bath Mat DEFILED!

The other night I was sitting on the couch minding my beezwax when I heard a noise that sounded like Capt'n Sully missed the Hudson this time and landed on my house.  It was my husband falling down the attic stairs.  First off, yes he's fine, but I'd rather not hear the sound of a 6'1" manly-man fall down the stairs of a 100 year old house as long as I live.

Our door to the attic has this metal grate at the foot of it to allow heat up there (I'm guessing).  When he fell, he must have put his foot out Fred Flinstone style to brake.  Instead, he went Last of the Mohicans style and managed to scalp his foot.  It was nasty pants.  After he was done bleeding all about the living room we managed to bandage him up and put him to bed.

I used to have a Golden Retriever.  He would get owies on his paws all the time and leave little bloody pawprints about the house.  Apparently I still have one.  I guess my husband didn't put it together that a gaping hole in one's foot just might continue to ooze for a few days.  He left his pawprints all over Fuzzy Bath Mat AND Towely thing #1 AND Towely thing #2.  Thank goodness I am the Stain Master Flash.

If you ever have a stain on something white than can be laundered, I have a stain removal tip for you.  Take a squirt bottle and fill it 50% with hydrogen peroxide and 50% with Original Dawn dishwashing detergent.  Just shake it up a little and you're good to go (it will turn clear after a bit).  If the stain is bad, pre-treat it and let it soak awhile.  Then launder as usual.  It works great on things that can't be bleached.  I use it on light colors if whatever it is will have to be thrown out if the stain can't be removed.  I've also used it on carpets (but I would test an area first).  

So with that little tidbit of domestic wisdom, I'm going to rock it to the bang, bang boogie, say up jumped the boogie, to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.

Cuteness abounds!

Even though my baby just turned 5 he still says the cutest things that remind me of how little he still is.  I don't have the heart to correct him.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1.  Until very recently he called ear phones "ear screens."

2.  He calls Q-tips "ear whacks" 

3.  My personal fav - he calls nipples "nibbles."  As in "I am touching my nibbles."

I'm sure your kids have/had some cute phrases or made up words for things.  Do share!

(Dirty little secret)

I know how to eat.  99% of the time I eat uber healthy.  Here's a typical day of my eats:

1.  Breakfast: Flax plus multibran cereal w/extra unprocessed bran on top, little bit o' Splenda, 1% milk.  Maybe a banana if I'm feeling crazy.

2.  Snacky treat: Iced Americano.

3.  Lunch: Salad w/protein.

4.  Snacky treat: Wasa bread Crisp & Light with Almond Butter.

5.  Dinner: Protein w/two different veggies.  Maybe a whole grain carb like brown rice.

6.  Dessert: Sugar free dark chocolate pudding.

Basically this is how I eat.  But I have my downfalls - alcohol and

 fried pig.  Most of my friends know of my love of bacon.  But loving bacon is kind of an accepted social norm.  I have a dirtier love.  I love fried pork rinds.  Ironically the only time I ever buy them is at this one liquor store that has small bags.  Until this week.  You will never guess where I found a huge ass bag of pork rinds for $2.  Whole-Freakin'-Foods.  This is life changing.

Not only can I buy them without having to shove them behind the two bottles of Pinot Noir, but I can hold my head up high because they have the Whole Foods stamp of approval.  Isn't that funny?  It's like because you buy something there (or a similar-type store) the negative attributes of the food suddenly disappear.  Did I just eat an entire wedge of brie?  Why yes, but it was ORGANIC BRIE.

But I digress.  Here's the beautiful thing about pork rinds.  They have way fewer calories per serving than other fried things (80 calories vs. 150 for chips for example), no carbs and some protein per serving.  And these new ones at WF are made with hormone free pork, no trans fats, no antibiotics, no pig lips (OK I made that one up) and most importantly no shame.

You could eat the entire bag of these for a mere 640 calories.  I'm not condoning or suggesting that, but who has to know.

Who has to know?

Quit nagging me!

That was me yelling at me.  I am the worst boss EVER.  Pick, pick, pick.  Micro-manager, second guesser, ride my ass biatch.  All day, every time I wanted to sit down and blog, or play word challenge, Working Girl's Sigourney Weaver here had to stick her nose in it and let me know that I needed to prioritize.  OK, fine.  Here are the things that I will accomplish this week:

1.  Thank you cards for son #2's BD.

2.  Planning for son #1 BD.

3.  Go through toys in the attic and box for donation, trash, etc.

4.  Keep up with the laundry, put away within 24 hours of folding.

5.  Keep the house clean (it is clean right now).

6.  Call the chimney dude.

7.  Finish the filing in the office.

Satisfied?  I'm going to happy hour with the gals from accounting.

What's that smell?

My husband took my son to a birthday party today.  I was on pick-up duty.  When I got into my minivan I thought to myself "what's that weird smell?"  It smelled institutional.  I thought maybe my husband left something strange in the car.  Then it dawned on me.

It was clean.  I was smelling clean.